I Statements Examples: 40 for Relationships (+ Worksheet)

An I statement describes your feelings and needs instead of judging the other person. The basic formula is: "I feel [emotion] when [specific situation], and I'd like [request]." For example: "I feel lonely when we're both on our phones at dinner, and I'd like one phone-free meal a day." Below are 40 I statements examples for relationships, sorted by situation, plus a fill-in worksheet you can use tonight.

Where I statements come from (and whether they work)

Psychologist Thomas Gordon came up with "I-messages" while teaching parents, and introduced them in his 1970 book P.E.T.: Parent Effectiveness Training. His example was a child throwing sand on his rug: "When you throw sand out of the sandbox onto my rug, I have to spend a lot of time cleaning it up and I don't like that." Behavior, effect, feeling. No insults.

The research since is encouraging, with a caveat:

• In a 1992 study, Edward Kubany's team found accusatory "you" statements were rated as more aversive than assertive "I" statements, and provoked stronger urges to push back.
• In a 2005 study of 59 couples published in Psychological Science, Rachel Simmons, Peter Gordon and Dianne Chambless found that spouses who used more "you" pronouns during problem-solving discussions were more negative, while those who used more "we" came up with better solutions. (In that study, one spouse in each couple had an anxiety disorder, but the pattern held regardless of diagnosis.)
• In a 2018 study in PeerJ, Shane Rogers and colleagues at Edith Cowan University in Australia found that I-language reduced how hostile an opening line seemed. The best-rated openers did two things: used I-language and acknowledged the other person's view, like "I understand why you might feel that way, but I feel this way."

The caveat: these studies mostly measure how statements are perceived, not long-term outcomes. I statements improve your odds. They don't guarantee a calm partner.

The formula (and four variations)

Basic: I feel ___ when ___, and I'd like ___.

With their perspective (the 2018 winner): I get that ___, and I feel ___ when ___. Could we ___?

Four-part version: I feel ___ when ___ because ___. Could you ___? (Feeling, situation, effect, request.)

Gottman's version: The Gottman Institute frames a gentle start-up around two questions: What do I feel? What do I need? So: I'm feeling ___ about ___. I need ___.

Short version (for small stuff): I'd love it if ___.

I statements vs you statements

The fake-feeling trap: "I feel like you..."

This is the most common mistake. Adding "I feel" to the front of an accusation doesn't make it an I statement.

Quick test: if you can swap "I feel" for "I think" and the sentence still works, it's a thought, not a feeling. Real feelings are usually one word: hurt, lonely, scared, embarrassed, frustrated, overwhelmed, disappointed, anxious, sad, relieved, happy.

Getting specific helps you too. Psychologists Todd Kashdan, Lisa Feldman Barrett and Patrick McKnight reviewed research in 2015 showing that people who describe their emotions in more precise terms (they call it emotional granularity) are less likely to resort to things like aggression when they're very distressed. "Overwhelmed" is easier to act on than "bad."

40 I statements examples for couples, by situation

Use these as-is or swap in your details. They're written for partners, but most work for roommates and family too.

Chores and the house

1. "I feel overwhelmed when the kitchen is left for me after dinner. Could we clean up together?"
2. "I feel frustrated when laundry sits in the machine overnight. Could whoever starts it also move it?"
3. "I feel stretched thin keeping track of all the appointments. Could you own the dentist and the vet?"
4. "I feel appreciated when you notice what I've done. A quick thanks goes a long way for me."
5. "I feel stressed walking into clutter after work. Could we do a ten-minute tidy before bed?"
6. "I feel resentful when I'm the one who notices we're out of everything. Can we share a grocery list?"

Phones and attention

7. "I feel lonely when we're both on our phones at dinner. Could dinner be phone-free?"
8. "I feel brushed off when you look at your screen while I'm talking. Could you put it down for a minute?"
9. "I feel anxious when I don't hear from you for a whole day. A quick text would help me a lot."
10. "I feel closer to you when we talk before bed instead of scrolling. Could we try that this week?"
11. "I feel unimportant when a notification interrupts us. Can we silence phones during date night?"

Plans, time and lateness

12. "I feel anxious when we're running late. Could we agree on a leave time ahead?"
13. "I feel disappointed when plans change last-minute. Could you give me a heads-up when you can?"
14. "I feel left out when weekend plans get made without me. Can we check in on Thursday?"
15. "I feel drained after back-to-back social weekends. I'd like one quiet weekend this month."
16. "I feel excited when you plan a date. Would you pick the next one?"

Money

17. "I feel nervous about our budget this month. Could we sit down on Sunday and look together?"
18. "I feel blindsided when I find a big charge I didn't know about. Could we talk before anything over $100?"
19. "I feel anxious when we don't have any savings cushion. Could we set up a small automatic transfer?"
20. "I feel controlled when I have to justify small purchases. Could we each have some no-questions money?"
21. "I feel proud when we hit a money goal together. Can we pick the next one?"

Intimacy and affection

22. "I feel close to you when we cuddle in the morning. I'd love more of that."
23. "I feel disconnected when we go a long time without being physically close. Can we talk about what would help?"
24. "I feel self-conscious when jokes are made about my body. Please don't make them, even teasing."
25. "I feel loved when you kiss me hello. It's small, but it matters to me."
26. "I feel pressured when sex comes up when I'm exhausted. Could we talk about timing?"

In-laws and family

27. "I feel alone when your family criticizes me and nobody says anything. Could you back me up next time?"
28. "I feel stressed when visits are planned without asking me. Can we decide together?"
29. "I feel torn when the holidays come up every year. Could we make a plan by October?"
30. "I feel hurt when private things get shared with your family. Can we agree what stays between us?"
31. "I feel grateful when you handle the call with your mom. Thank you for that."

During a fight

32. "I feel overwhelmed right now. I need 20 minutes, then I want to keep talking."
33. "I feel unheard when I get interrupted. Can I finish, and then I'll listen to you?"
34. "I feel defensive, and I don't want to be. Can you say that again more slowly?"
35. "I feel scared when voices get raised. Can we both lower it?"
36. "I get why you're upset, and I'm upset too. Can we take turns?"

Parenting and co-parenting

37. "I feel undermined when I say no and then hear yes from you. Could we check with each other first?"
38. "I feel exhausted doing every bedtime. Could we alternate nights?"
39. "I feel anxious when pickup times change last-minute. Could you text me by noon?"
40. "I feel like a team when we back each other up in front of the kids. Thank you for doing that today."

(Number 40 sneaks in a "feel like," but it's followed by a feeling, not a judgment of your partner. That's fine.)

I statements worksheet

Copy this into your notes app, or save this page as a PDF from your browser's print menu, and fill in each line before you talk.

Fill-in-the-blank version:

I get that ___. I feel ___ when ___. Could we ___?

Example, filled in:

I get that you've had a long week. I feel lonely when we spend the whole evening on separate screens. Could we watch one show together tonight?

Beyond relationships: I statements at work and with friends

The formula works anywhere. A few examples:

• At work: "I feel stressed when deadlines move up without notice. Could we flag changes by Monday?"
• With a roommate: "I feel frustrated when the sink is full in the morning. Could we each do our dishes before bed?"
• With a friend: "I felt left out when I saw the photos from Saturday. I'd love to be invited next time."

Tips for saying them out loud

• Keep your tone matching your words. "I feel hurt" said through gritted teeth is heard as an attack.
• Stop after the request. Let them answer. A speech undoes the work.
• Use it early. I statements are easiest when an issue is small, which is why the soft startup guide focuses on the first three minutes.
• Don't use it as a script to win. It's an opening, not a closing argument.

For a specific hurt (rather than an everyday gripe), see how to tell someone they hurt your feelings. For where I statements fit in a whole conversation, start with how to express your feelings to your partner.

Try it tonight

Pick one example above that's close to your situation. Change the details so it's yours. Then read it out loud once, alone, before you say it to your partner. Saying it out loud first takes the shake out of your voice.