Relationship Check-In Questions: A Weekly Template
Relationship check in questions for weekly, monthly and after-a-fight talks, plus a 20-minute template based on Gottman's State of the Union meeting.
By the GoodTalk team · · 7 min read
The short version
- A weekly relationship check-in works best with a fixed order: appreciations first, then what went well, then one concern, then one request for next week.
- The structure comes from the Gottman Institute's State of the Union meeting, which it recommends weekly.
- Starting with appreciation isn't just nice; Gottman's research found stable couples have about five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict.
- Keep it to one issue per week. Anything else goes on a list for next time.
- In a 2014 randomized trial, couples who did an annual 'relationship checkup' reported more intimacy and less distress than couples who didn't.
In this article
- Why a scheduled check-in works
- The 20-minute weekly check-in template
- Weekly relationship check-in questions
- Monthly check-in questions (the bigger picture)
- After-a-fight check-in questions
- Quick daily check-in questions (2 minutes)
- Printable check-in template (worksheet)
- Quick relationship check-in quiz (monthly)
- Making it stick
- Start this week
A relationship check-in is a short, scheduled conversation where you and your partner talk about how things are going before small problems turn into big ones. The best relationship check in questions follow a fixed order: what you appreciated this week, what's going well, one thing that's bothering you, and one thing that would help you feel loved next week. Below is a 20-minute weekly template, question sets for weekly, monthly and after-a-fight check-ins, and a fill-in version you can save.
Why a scheduled check-in works
A lot of couples only talk about the relationship when something's wrong, which means every relationship conversation starts with a problem. A regular check-in flips that. Issues come up while they're small, and the conversation starts with what's working.
The template here is adapted from the Gottman Institute's State of the Union meeting, a weekly couples meeting with four parts: appreciations, what's going right, one concern, and a request for the week ahead. Gottman's guidance describes an hour, with notebooks and no phones. That's great if you can do it. If you can't, a 20-minute version you actually keep doing beats an hour-long one you abandon in week three.
There's also evidence that checking in on purpose helps. In a 2014 randomized controlled trial at Clark University, James Cordova's team gave 215 married couples a "Marriage Checkup," an assessment and feedback session at the start of the study and again a year later. Compared with a waitlist group, those couples reported more intimacy throughout the two-year study, felt more accepted by their partners, and reported less relationship distress for about a year and a half. That was a professionally run annual checkup, not a weekly chat at home, but the principle is the same: paying attention on a schedule is better than waiting for a crisis.
The 20-minute weekly check-in template
Pick a regular time: Sunday evening, after the kids are down, over coffee on Saturday. Same time every week makes it a habit instead of an event.
| Step | Time | What you do | Why it's here |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1. Appreciations | 5 min | Each name a few specific things the other did this week that you appreciated | Starts warm and lowers defenses |
| 2. What went well | 3 min | Talk about what's working, improving or fun right now | Gives you both evidence the relationship is okay |
| 3. One concern | 8 min | One person raises one issue gently; the other listens and reflects back | Keeps problems small and single |
| 4. Next week | 3 min | Each ask: "What's one thing I can do to help you feel loved this week?" | Ends with a concrete plan |
| 5. Close | 1 min | Say thanks, put it away | Makes the next one easier to start |
Step 1: Appreciations (5 minutes)
Gottman's version asks each partner to name five things they appreciated over the past week. Be specific: "Thanks for handling the car thing on Tuesday without me asking" lands better than "You're great." The person receiving them just says thank you. No "yeah, but."
This isn't fluff. Gottman's research found that stable, happy couples have about five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. Opening with appreciation banks a few positives before the hard part.
Step 2: What went well (3 minutes)
What's working right now? A great dinner, a calmer bedtime routine, a funny moment. Gottman's research on everyday "bids" for attention found that newlyweds still married six years later had turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time, versus 33% for couples who later divorced. Noticing the small good moments out loud is a way of turning toward each other on purpose. (More in our guide to bids for connection.)
Step 3: One concern (8 minutes)
One person raises one thing. Use a gentle opener: "I've been feeling ___ about ___, and I'd like ___." The Gottman Institute's version uses the same shape: what you feel, about what situation, and what you need. See the soft startup guide for examples.
The listener's job is to understand before responding. Reflect back what you heard: "So the Monday mornings have been really rushed and you're starting your week stressed." Our active listening guide has more on this.
Rules for this step:
- One issue per week. Write anything else on a shared note for next time.
- Take turns week to week if you both have concerns.
- You don't have to solve it. Sometimes understanding is enough for this week.
Step 4: Next week (3 minutes)
Each of you answers: "What's one thing I can do to make you feel loved this coming week?" Keep it small and doable: "Could we cuddle in bed for a bit on Saturday morning?" beats "Be more affectionate."
Weekly relationship check-in questions
Pick two or three per week. Don't try to answer all of them.
Appreciation
- What's one thing I did this week that you liked?
- When did you feel most like a team this week?
- What's something you noticed about me this week that you haven't said?
What's working
- What was the best moment of our week?
- What felt easier this week than last week?
- What should we do again?
Concerns
- Is anything bothering you that you haven't brought up?
- Was there a moment this week you felt alone or unheard?
- Anything coming up next week you're stressed about?
Next week
- What would make next week feel good for you?
- What's one thing I could do to help you feel loved?
- Is there anything you need more of, or less of?
Monthly check-in questions (the bigger picture)
Once a month, or once a season, take 45 minutes for the topics that don't fit in a weekly slot.
- How are we doing with money? Anything we should change?
- How are we feeling about our sex life and physical affection?
- Are we spending enough time together? Enough time apart?
- How's the split of chores and the mental load feeling?
- What's one goal we want to work on together this month?
- Is there a recurring fight we should talk about when we're both calm?
- How are things with each other's families and friends?
- What's something you've been wanting to try together?
After-a-fight check-in questions
Use these once you've both calmed down, ideally within a day. They're about understanding the fight, not re-having it.
- What were you feeling during that fight? (Feelings, not facts.)
- What did you need from me that you didn't get?
- Was there a moment it turned? What happened right before?
- Is there anything you said that you'd like to take back?
- What's one thing we could each do differently next time?
- Do you feel okay with where we left it?
For the full process, see how to repair after a fight.
Quick daily check-in questions (2 minutes)
- How was your day, really, on a scale of 1 to 10?
- What's one thing on your mind tonight?
- Anything I can take off your plate tomorrow?
- High point and low point of today?
Printable check-in template (worksheet)
Copy this into a shared note, or save this page as a PDF from your browser's print menu, and fill it in together each week.
| Date: ____ | Partner A | Partner B |
|---|---|---|
| Things I appreciated this week | 1. ___ 2. ___ 3. ___ | 1. ___ 2. ___ 3. ___ |
| What went well | ___ | ___ |
| One concern (this week's turn: A / B) | I've been feeling ___ about ___, and I'd like ___ | Reflected back: "So you're saying ___" |
| What we agreed | ___ | ___ |
| One thing that would help me feel loved next week | ___ | ___ |
| Parked for another week | ___ | ___ |
Quick relationship check-in quiz (monthly)
Not a test you can fail. Each of you rates these from 1 (not at all) to 5 (very much) on your own, then compare. Talk about any item where you're two or more points apart, or where either of you scored a 1 or 2.
| Statement | Me (1-5) | Partner (1-5) |
|---|---|---|
| I feel appreciated by you. | ___ | ___ |
| I feel like we're a team on chores and logistics. | ___ | ___ |
| I feel heard when I bring something up. | ___ | ___ |
| I'm happy with how much time we spend together. | ___ | ___ |
| I'm happy with our physical affection and intimacy. | ___ | ___ |
| I feel okay about how we handle money. | ___ | ___ |
| After a fight, I feel like we repair it. | ___ | ___ |
Making it stick
- Same time, every week. Put it in both calendars.
- Keep it short when life is busy. A ten-minute version with just appreciations and next week still counts.
- No phones. Gottman's guidance is explicit on this one.
- End on time, even mid-topic. "Let's park it" is fine.
Some couples do the check-in in an iMessage group chat with GoodTalk there to keep it constructive, especially when the "one concern" step tends to heat up. Others answer the questions privately with GoodTalk first, then bring the clearest version of their thoughts to each other.
Start this week
Pick a time this weekend and send one text: "Want to try a 20-minute check-in on Sunday? Just appreciations and one thing each for next week." Skip the concern step the first time. Once it feels normal, add it in. For the bigger picture on talking about hard things, see how to express your feelings to your partner.
Questions people ask
What questions should you ask in a relationship check-in?
Start with appreciation ('What's one thing I did this week that you liked?'), then what's going well, then one concern ('Is there anything that's been bothering you?'), and finish with a request ('What's one thing I could do to help you feel loved next week?'). Keep the questions specific to the past week so it doesn't turn into a review of the whole relationship.
How often should couples do a relationship check-in?
The Gottman Institute recommends a weekly State of the Union meeting. Weekly keeps issues small enough to handle in one sitting. A longer monthly or seasonal check-in can cover bigger topics like money, goals and intimacy.
What is the Gottman State of the Union meeting?
It's a weekly couples meeting with four parts: share appreciations, discuss what's going right, address one concern using a gentle start-up and non-defensive listening, and each ask for one thing that would help you feel connected next week. Gottman's guidance suggests about an hour; many couples find a shorter version easier to keep up.
What if a check-in turns into a fight?
Pause it. Say 'Let's park this one and finish the rest,' close with appreciations, and come back to the concern another time. If check-ins regularly blow up, start with only the positive parts for a few weeks, or try them with a counselor.
Sources
- Gottman Institute: How to Have a State of the Union Meeting
- Gottman Institute: How to Strengthen Your Relationship with State of the Union Meetings
- Gottman Institute: The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science
- Cordova et al. (2014). The Marriage Checkup: A randomized controlled trial of annual relationship health checkups. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.
- Gottman Institute: An Introduction to Emotional Bids and Trust