Rules for Fighting Fair: 12 That Actually Work

The best rules for fighting fair are simple: start gently, stick to one issue, complain about a behavior instead of attacking the person, never use contempt, take a real break when either of you is overwhelmed, and talk about the fight once it's over. Couples who fight this way still disagree. They just don't leave a trail of damage behind them every time they do.

Below are 12 fair fighting rules for couples. Each one comes with the reason it works and a line showing what it actually sounds like, because "communicate better" is useless advice at 11pm when someone's voice is rising. At the end there's a one-page rules card you can copy, edit together and stick on the fridge.

Why have rules for fighting fair at all?

Because fighting itself isn't the problem. In a 1993 study following 73 couples, John Gottman found three different kinds of stable marriages: couples who argued with a lot of emotion, couples who talked things through calmly, and couples who mostly avoided conflict. All three lasted. The unstable couples were the ones whose fights turned hostile. (More on what's typical in how often couples fight.)

So the goal of healthy conflict in relationships isn't zero fights. It's fights that stay about the issue, end without anyone feeling humiliated, and leave you able to try again tomorrow. Rules help because they're decided in advance, when you're both calm and reasonable, and then they do the thinking for you when you're not.

Rules for starting a fight

1. Start soft

How a fight begins shapes how it goes. In a 1999 study of 124 newlywed couples, Sybil Carrère and John Gottman could predict which couples would divorce over the next six years using just the first three minutes of a conflict conversation. A harsh opener ("We need to talk about your phone, again") puts your partner on defense before they've heard the actual request.

Hey, can I bring something up? I'm feeling a bit lonely in the evenings lately.

More scripts in soft startup.

2. Complain about the behavior, not the person

A complaint names a specific thing that happened. A criticism turns it into a verdict on who your partner is. "You didn't text when you were running late" is fixable. "You never think about anyone but yourself" isn't, so it just starts a second fight about whether that's true.

I was worried when you didn't text. Can you send a quick message next time you're late?

3. One issue per fight

The fastest way to lose a fight about dishes is to add the vacation, his mother and that thing from March. Each new topic gives your partner a new thing to defend and makes the original request impossible to grant. If something else comes up, name it and park it.

That's fair, and I want to talk about it too. Can we finish this one first?

4. Pick your moment

Fights at midnight, before coffee or right after a brutal day tend to go worse, and for sleep at least, there's data on it. In a 2014 study, Amie Gordon and Serena Chen found people reported more conflict with their partners after nights of poor sleep, and in the lab, couples resolved conflicts best when both partners were well rested. Hunger may not help either (see why you get hangry).

I really want to talk about this, and I'm fried. Can we do it tomorrow after dinner?

Rules for during the fight

5. No contempt. Ever.

Contempt is anything that says "I'm above you": eye-rolling, sarcasm, mocking their voice, name-calling, a disgusted "wow." The Gottman Institute calls it the single greatest predictor of divorce. Of all the destructive moves Gottman calls the Four Horsemen, it's the one to cut first.

Instead of "Oh, poor you, so exhausted from your one chore," try: "I'm frustrated. I feel like I'm doing most of the housework."

6. One speaker at a time, and summarize before you reply

When it's your turn to listen, your only job is to understand. Before you make your point, repeat theirs back in a sentence. It slows the pace, catches misunderstandings early, and it is very hard to keep yelling at someone who just accurately described your side.

So what you're saying is you feel like I make plans without checking with you. Is that right?

7. Own your part, even if it's small

Defensiveness ("Well, you never...") is the natural reflex when you feel blamed, and it almost always escalates. The Gottman Institute's antidote is to accept responsibility, even if only for part of the conflict. You don't have to agree with everything to agree with something. If this one is hard for you, read how to stop being defensive.

You're right that I didn't call. That's on me.

8. Keep some warmth in, even mid-fight

The Gottman Institute's research on the "magic ratio" found that stable, happy couples have about five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. Positive doesn't mean fake cheer. It means a touch on the arm, a laugh, "good point," or "I know this is hard for you too." Those small moments keep a fight from becoming a war.

Okay, that was a fair hit. Give me a second.

Rules for when it gets too hot

9. Agree on a stop signal

Pick a word or gesture in advance that means "I need to pause," and promise to honor it no matter who uses it. A neutral signal works better than "you need to calm down," which nobody in history has calmed down from.

I'm getting flooded. I need a break.

10. Break for at least 20 minutes, and don't stew

When your heart is pounding and you can't follow what your partner is saying, you're flooded, and more talking won't help. The Gottman Institute recommends breaks of at least 20 minutes, since that's roughly how long the body takes to calm down. Spend it doing something soothing, not rehearsing your rebuttal. The full how-to is in emotional flooding.

11. Whoever calls the break restarts the talk

A break only feels safe if it has an end. The Gottman Institute's advice is that the person who asks for the pause is responsible for coming back at the agreed time, and that the conversation resumes within 24 hours. This is what separates a time-out from stonewalling.

I need 30 minutes. I'll come find you at 9 and we'll finish this.

The rule for after

12. Talk about the fight once it's over

When you're both calm, spend ten minutes on what happened: what each of you felt, what set you off, what you'd each do differently. Not to relitigate who was right, but so the same fight goes better next time. Our step-by-step guide to repairing after a fight walks through it, and the small in-the-moment version is covered in repair attempts.

When fair fighting rules aren't enough

Two honest caveats.

First, some fights keep coming back no matter how fairly you fight them, because they're about a lasting difference between you rather than a fixable problem. That's normal, and it needs a different approach: see perpetual problems. If the issue is that the fights are constant, how to stop arguing looks at breaking the cycle itself.

Second, fair fighting rules assume two people who are both safe to disagree with. If you're afraid of your partner, if fights involve threats, intimidation, or being blocked from leaving, that isn't a communication problem and rules won't fix it. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.

Your printable fair fighting rules card

Print this page or screenshot the list below, cross out what doesn't fit, add your own, and both sign it. If you see a couples therapist, bring it to a session and build on it there. The point is that you chose these together.

• We start hard conversations gently, with "I" and a specific request.
• We complain about behaviors, not about who the other person is.
• One issue per conversation. New issues get parked, not thrown in.
• No big talks when one of us is exhausted, starving or it's past ______.
• No contempt: no eye-rolling, sarcasm, mocking or name-calling.
• One speaker at a time. We summarize before we reply.
• We each own at least one part of the problem.
• We keep some warmth in, even mid-fight.
• Our stop signal is: ______________.
• Breaks last at least 20 minutes. No rehearsing the argument.
• Whoever calls the break restarts the talk, within 24 hours.
• After a big fight, we talk about how it went once we're calm.

If you only try one thing tonight

Pick rule 9. Agree on a stop signal while things are good, so the next time a fight starts to spiral, either of you can pause it without it feeling like a door slam. It's the rule that makes all the others possible.