Gottman's Four Horsemen: Signs, Examples and Antidotes
Gottman's Four Horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Real text-message examples of each, the antidotes, and what to say instead.
By the GoodTalk team 路 路 7 min read
The short version
- John Gottman's Four Horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling: four ways of fighting that his research linked to divorce.
- Each one has an antidote: a gentle startup for criticism, appreciation for contempt, taking responsibility for defensiveness, and self-soothing for stonewalling.
- Contempt (mockery, eye-rolling, disgust) is the one the Gottman Institute calls the single greatest predictor of divorce.
- Every couple uses the horsemen sometimes. They're warning signs to act on, not a prophecy, and the famous 90%+ prediction figures deserve some caution.
In this article
Gottman's Four Horsemen are four ways of fighting that psychologist John Gottman's research linked to relationships falling apart: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Each one has a specific antidote. Almost every couple slips into the horsemen sometimes. What matters is noticing them, and swapping in the antidote before they become the way you always fight.
The name is a nod to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which tells you how seriously Gottman takes them. Here's what each looks like in real life (including over text), why it does damage, and exactly what to say instead.
The Four Horsemen at a glance
| Horseman | What it is | Antidote |
|---|---|---|
| Criticism | Attacking your partner's character instead of a specific behavior | Gentle startup: talk about your feelings and a specific need |
| Contempt | Treating your partner as beneath you: mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling | Build a culture of appreciation and respect |
| Defensiveness | Deflecting blame with excuses, counter-attacks or playing the victim | Take responsibility, even for part of it |
| Stonewalling | Shutting down, tuning out, going silent | Take a break and self-soothe, then come back |
Where the Four Horsemen come from
Gottman and his longtime collaborator Robert Levenson spent decades observing couples in the lab, coding their conversations and measuring their heart rates as they discussed disagreements, then following them for years.
In a 1992 study of 73 couples, they found that couples whose interactions were more negative than positive had more severe marital problems, worse health, more defensiveness, more stubbornness and withdrawal, and a higher risk of separation. In a 2000 paper following couples over 14 years, a model built on how couples interacted, plus their satisfaction and thoughts about divorce, predicted which ones divorced with 93% accuracy.
That number gets quoted a lot, so it's worth a caveat. In a 2001 critique, Richard Heyman and Amy Slep pointed out that prediction models like these are fitted to the same couples they're tested on, and showed with other data that accuracy drops sharply when you test the model on new couples. An earlier critique by Scott Stanley, Thomas Bradbury and Howard Markman argued that some of Gottman's recommendations leaned on correlational data to make strong causal claims. So treat the horsemen as well-supported warning signs, not as a crystal ball. Your relationship is not doomed because you rolled your eyes on Tuesday.
1. Criticism
Criticism is attacking who your partner is rather than what they did. The Gottman Institute is careful to separate it from a complaint: complaints are about specific issues, criticism is "an ad hominem attack."
What it looks like over text:
you literally never think about anyone but yourself
of course you forgot. you always forget everything that matters to me
what is wrong with you? who leaves wet towels on the bed every single day
Criticism vs complaint
The fix is usually the same content with a different shape: a specific behavior, how it affected you, and what you'd like.
| Criticism | Complaint |
|---|---|
| "You never think about anyone but yourself." | "I was worried when you didn't text that you'd be late. Can you send a quick message next time?" |
| "You always forget everything that matters to me." | "I was really hurt that you forgot my work thing. It mattered to me." |
| "What is wrong with you?" | "The wet towels on the bed are driving me nuts. Can they go on the hook?" |
The antidote: a gentle startup. The Gottman Institute suggests talking about your feelings using "I" and expressing what you need in a positive way. Their shortcut: ask yourself What do I feel? What do I need? More scripts in soft startup.
Say instead: "I'm feeling stretched thin tonight. Could you handle the kids' baths?"
2. Contempt
Contempt in a relationship is any message that says I'm better than you. Sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, sneering, mimicking, eye-rolling, a scoff. It goes past disagreeing with your partner and into disrespecting them. The Gottman Institute calls it "the single greatest predictor of divorce."
What it looks like over text:
wow. congrats on doing the bare minimum 馃憦
oh I'm sorry, is someone too TIRED to load a dishwasher
lol ok. sure. you're totally right, as always 馃檮
According to the Gottman Institute, contempt is fueled by "long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner." By the time it shows up out loud, it has usually been building quietly for a while.
The antidote: build a culture of appreciation. It's hard to sneer at someone you're actively noticing good things about. The Gottman Institute points to its research on the "magic ratio": stable couples have about five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. That means deliberately looking for things to thank, compliment and appreciate, every day, not just when things are good.
Say instead: "I'm frustrated about the dishes. I also know you've been working late all week, and I appreciate that."
If contempt is frequent in your relationship, it's worth taking seriously. Couples therapy is designed for exactly this. And if contempt comes with threats, intimidation or you feel afraid of your partner, that's not a communication problem. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is the natural reaction to feeling criticized: making excuses, counter-attacking, or casting yourself as the innocent victim. It's understandable. It also backfires. As the Gottman Institute puts it, excuses tell your partner "that we don't take their concerns seriously."
What it looks like over text:
well maybe if you'd reminded me like you said you would
I was working all day, what was I supposed to do
nothing I do is ever good enough for you
The antidote: take responsibility. The Gottman Institute's advice is to "accept responsibility, even if only for part of the conflict." You don't have to agree with everything to agree with something.
Say instead: "You're right, I forgot. That's on me. Let me call them now."
If this is your horseman, our full guide on how to stop being defensive has a pause technique and examples of disagreeing without deflecting.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when the listener "withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding." Turning away, staring at the phone, one-word answers, walking out without a word. The Gottman Institute links stonewalling to being physiologically flooded: the person isn't always choosing not to care, they're often overwhelmed.
What it looks like over text:
k
[read 9:42pm, no reply]
I'm not doing this
The antidote: physiological self-soothing. Take a break of at least 20 minutes (that's roughly how long the body takes to calm down), do something genuinely relaxing, and come back. The key difference from stonewalling: you say you're taking a break, and you say when you'll return.
Say instead: "I'm too overwhelmed to talk well right now. Can we pick this up at 8?"
For the "why does he shut down" side of this, see stonewalling. For your own racing heart, see emotional flooding.
How the Four Horsemen feed each other
The horsemen rarely ride alone. The Gottman Institute notes that pervasive criticism "paves the way for the other, far deadlier horsemen to follow." A common sequence:
- One partner opens with criticism ("you never help").
- The other responds with defensiveness ("I do plenty, you just don't notice").
- Frustration hardens into contempt ("oh sure, you're so helpful").
- Someone gets flooded and stonewalls, and the fight ends with nothing solved.
The good news is that this means you can break the chain at any link. A gentle startup prevents step 1. Owning part of it stops step 2. A break at the first sign of flooding stops the slide into contempt and shutdown. That's why the antidotes show up throughout our rules for fighting fair.
A Four Horsemen self-check
Print this or screenshot it. Each of you checks your own habits, not your partner's, then compare.
Criticism
- I use "you always" or "you never" in fights.
- My complaints turn into comments about my partner's character.
Contempt
- I roll my eyes, scoff or use sarcasm when we disagree.
- I've called my partner names or mocked them, even "jokingly."
Defensiveness
- My first response to a complaint is an excuse or a counter-complaint.
- I find it hard to say "you're right" in the middle of a fight.
Stonewalling
- I go silent, look at my phone or walk away without saying when I'll be back.
- My heart pounds and I can't think straight during fights.
Two or more checks in one group is your horseman. Start with its antidote.
What to do next
Pick the horseman you use most (not the one your partner uses, yours) and practice its antidote for one week. Just one. If you're not sure which is yours, ask your partner in a calm moment: "Which of these do I do when we fight?" Then try not to get defensive about the answer.
Questions people ask
What are the Four Horsemen in a relationship?
The Four Horsemen are four communication patterns John Gottman identified as predictors of relationship breakdown: criticism (attacking your partner's character), contempt (treating them with disrespect or disgust), defensiveness (deflecting blame), and stonewalling (shutting down and withdrawing). The name borrows from the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
What is the difference between criticism and a complaint?
A complaint is about a specific behavior: "You didn't call when you were late, and I was worried." Criticism turns it into a judgment about the person: "You never think about anyone but yourself." Complaints are healthy and fixable. Criticism invites a fight about who your partner is.
What are the antidotes to the Four Horsemen?
The Gottman Institute pairs each horseman with an antidote. For criticism, use a gentle startup that describes your feelings and needs. For contempt, build a culture of appreciation. For defensiveness, take responsibility for at least part of the problem. For stonewalling, take a break of at least 20 minutes and self-soothe before returning.
What is the most harmful of Gottman's Four Horsemen?
Contempt. The Gottman Institute calls it the single greatest predictor of divorce, because it communicates disgust and superiority rather than disagreement. Relationships can recover from it, but it usually takes both partners deliberately rebuilding appreciation and respect, often with a couples therapist's help.
What are the criticisms of the Gottman method?
The main criticisms target the divorce-prediction research rather than the advice itself. Other researchers have argued that the famous 90%+ accuracy figures came from models tested on the same couples they were built on, that accuracy drops when tested on new couples, and that correlational findings were sometimes turned into strong recommendations too quickly. The Four Horsemen are still widely used as warning signs.
Sources
- Gottman Institute: The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
- Gottman Institute: The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes
- Gottman & Levenson (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
- Gottman & Levenson (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family.
- Heyman & Slep (2001). The hazards of predicting divorce without crossvalidation. Journal of Marriage and Family.